What I've Learned

I've been dragged, kicking and screaming, through Florida's voting process, private school 'joy,' the King of Pop wedding the Princess of Rock, NPR, PBS, PMS, Barney and his little 'friends,' Veggie Tales From the Hood, rap music that gets more irritating and offensive, and a President who receives 74 standing ovations for a 48 minute speech that he didn't even write.

Now I'm speaking, but hold your applause. Maybe you won't clap when I get through. Maybe you'll listen to what I'm saying. It's not 'Anti-American' so don't throw me in jail. In fact, don't draft me, either. I don't wanna fight Osama. My gay cousin does, but you're not asking, so I won't tell. I'll tell you if you're an International Man of Mystery. Yeah, baby. Remember not to shake a baby, especially if you're an English visitor. Tea and accents are the only valued English import. We can't still Big Ben yet, but give us time. It's time to be patriotic because hundreds of people have died in a senseless act of hatred. Buy your flag, support the economy. Remember, it's only legal to pay for it in Vegas, otherwise you're screwed.

We're probably all screwed anyway. If our President can't learn the big words, then who can? Let's clap for him anyway, whether he's making sense or not. A bitter Democrat is a frightening thing. You don't want to see me in the morning. Especially before coffee. I've got my caffeine buzz going, but what have I learned now that I didn't know then? A little cologne goes a long way and deodorant makes all the difference. I've learned that even if she dies twice, Buffy is still going to be somewhere kicking ass. I've learning those Nike commercials were right: I should just do it. After all is said and done, Britney Spears is not a role model for prepubescent girls.

Most of all, I've learning that my small voice among the many can make all the difference.